The lost balance: when schools stopped leading and started pleasing

There was a time, not so long ago, when the word of a teacher carried the weight of a quiet authority. If a student misbehaved, the parent’s first instinct was to apologise to the school. If a child failed a test, the question at home was not “What did the teacher do wrong?” but “What did you not understand?”

I remember those days. Not as a golden utopia because extremes are never healthy but as a time when the roles were clear. The teacher was the professional. The parent was the partner. And the child was the learner.

Today, I sense something has shifted. In my work as an Educational Psychologist (EP), I have watched the pendulum swing violently to the opposite side. Many teachers no longer feel like educators. They feel like service providers walking on eggshells, terrified of a complaint, a bad online review, or a confrontation with a litigious parent. Their professional preparation, their knowledge, their targets are constantly checked and measured. Yet, I often wonder: why is the same scrutiny not applied to the home? Where is the evaluation for the parent who, by spoiling their child and refusing to set limits, undermines everything the school tries to build?

We need balance! We need democracy in our classrooms. But we do not need a fake, politically correct silence that confuses kindness with the abdication of responsibility. Extremes are damaging for the exhausted adult and the anxious, unguided child.

Three stories that made me think (not Scientific, just human)

Let me be clear: this article is not based on a double-blind study. It is based on my own eyes and ears. And what I have witnessed worries me.

The Mother and the Bully

A year ago, I sat in a school meeting for a child with a long, documented record of behavioral concerns. This was not a child having a bad day; this was a pattern of intimidation toward peers. I expected a discussion on consequences and support. Instead, I saw the mother’s posture: arms crossed, jaw tight, ready for war. She was not there to listen. She was there to defend. With every piece of evidence presented by the staff, she deflected. The bully, seeing her mother’s loyalty, smirked. The school backed down. And I left thinking: We just taught that child that she is never wrong. And we taught those teachers that their safety is conditional.

Two tired teachers from Suffolk

A few years ago, I met two veteran teachers. They are close to retirement. You would expect them to be nostalgic. Instead, they looked relieved, not because they loved teaching, but because they were finally leaving. One of them told me, “Rose, families have all the power now. We cannot proceed professionally. Every time we try to educate, to set a boundary, to assign a detention for genuine rudeness, we are overruled. Parents call the headteacher. The headteacher asks us to apologise. We are no longer teaching children. We are pleasing parents.”

A Teenager, a railway station, and a failed father

Perhaps the most painful example happened away from school entirely. I was at a railway station in London when a teenager used foul, aggressive language toward me for a minor misunderstanding. I did not shout. I walked to his father, who was standing right there, and calmly explained what had happened. I expected an apology. Instead, the father offended me directly. He gave full right to his son, turned his back, and walked away. That boy learned a powerful lesson that day: You can be rude to adults, and your parent will approve.

This is the bad example we are normalising.

The fear inside the classroom

Let us name the elephant in the staff room. Many teachers today live with a low-grade fear. Fear of the aggressive parent. Fear of the child who knows they can weaponise a complaint. Fear of being labeled “old fashioned” or “unfair” because they dared to demand respect.

But here is my concern: when teachers are scared of children, the classroom stops being a place of learning and becomes a stage for performance. The adult is no longer the captain of the ship. And when the captain is afraid, the ship drifts. We are seeing the consequences in rising rates of anxiety among young people who have never heard the word “no” from an adult who matters.

It is time for schools to stand

I am not naive. I know there are bad teachers. I know there are rigid, authoritarian educators who mistake cruelty for discipline. I do not defend them. But I also refuse to stay silent about the other side of the problem.

It is time for schools to gently, professionally, and firmly remind everyone of their roles.

• The role of the teacher is to teach, to assess, and to set professional boundaries.

• The role of the parent is to nurture, to support the school, and to raise a child who can tolerate frustration.

• The role of the child is to learn, to make mistakes, and to grow.

Education is not a transaction. It is a collaboration. And collaboration requires mutual respect, not the tyranny of the loudest parent nor the silence of the exhausted teacher.

A final belief (the one that keeps me going)

I am worried. I worry about the authoritarian teacher who abuses their power. But I worry just as much about the permissive parent who strips the school of its dignity.

Still, I strongly believe in good teachers. Those who stay late, who care deeply, who cry in the car after a difficult day because they love their students. And I believe in good parents. Those who say, “My child is not perfect. Please help me raise them.”

These are the adults who need to lead. Not the fake, politically correct voices that avoid conflict at all costs. But the honest, brave, and balanced voices that say: We are on the same team. Let us work together.

Because the alternative, a world where teachers please parents and parents spoil children, is not kindness. It is abandonment. And our children deserve more.

Sources for further reading:

1. Hargreaves, A. (2003). Teaching in the Knowledge Society: Education in the Age of Insecurity. Teachers College Press. (On the changing authority of teachers).

2. Ecclestone, K., & Hayes, D. (2009). The Dangerous Rise of Therapeutic Education. Routledge. (Critique of emotionally fragile, parent-driven schooling).

3. OECD (2020). TALIS 2018 Results (Volume II): Teachers and School Leaders as Lifelong Learners. OECD Publishing. (Data on teacher stress and perceived lack of parental support).